Offense

“You want to drink a red? Are you sure? You’ve been drinking Sauvignon lately. . . ? “

“Yes Pinot Please.”

“Are you sure that’s what you want?”

I looked at him wondering why he was dissecting my simple response as to what type of wine I want to drink with dinner. Does he not think I know what I want? Can he see me the sweat accumulating on my palms? Do I really want to be here at dinner with him or with someone who can read my mind knowing I want red tonight. Now he’s got me questioning myself.

"Yes Pinot."

Do I know what I want? A simple question red or white. The taste of red and white and the way they swirl around the glass meshing with my entrée are as different as night and day. As are all the men I have dated.

My reds are strong clean men that are stable. They are the man’s man opting to go watch football or chop down a tree instead of attending Rea’s art opening with me. The reds are my challenges; they know how to handle my brassy edges. They go to work and breakdown corporate execs looking for their faults rationalizing how to win the deal. These are the GQ’s I have dated. Centered and self assured always sticking to the TO DO LIST and freaking out if you sidestep. They are stable and predictable.

If you pick a cabernet vine to early or late it will ruin the wine turning it into a marinade for cheap meat.

The whites are crisp, clean, adventurous, and aloof. The artists and marketers of my world painting me the big picture on canvas. Surprises of butterflies and honey suckles’ left on my door step with out a cause. Everyday is a new adventure and fun. Running around the city palm to palm vacationing everyday. They lack the serious side. But allow me/us to dream we can live on pennies and pickles sight seeing every day. Just writing that makes me want to be Paris Hilton. They lack a planning ability, it’s frustrating and occasionally down right rude. That’s the thing with white wine, put in the back of the fridge for weeks, months, years, when you’re ready to use it ‘LETS GO!’

In the weekend warrior world of bar hopping I am on the prowl searching. We are all searching for what? It’s a personal question weather you are looking for booty, friends, relationships, or to forget your problems. We search for the happy ending even if it is fleeting the moment it begins. We have to believe it’s out there. I know it exists and I used to think I knew what I wanted until this guy questioned my judgment. And now, I am still a little tipsy from the Pinot. It’s to late for laundry, for pie, for the bubble bath I have been longing, for saving a lost friendship I worry is doomed, for fixing my mis-citations, for drunk dialing my Mom and Dad . . . again, perhaps one more glass of wine. A meritage perhaps.

After rereading my entry seems a blush would be in order for the blend I am looking for. A dusted off bottle of red zin.

They stood in a perfect line mimicking every move I made. Their hats were pushed to the left with a sideways slant representing the slightest bit of style. I could tell it was going to be one of those days they color outside of the lines with a purpose.

"Very good now loosen up your shoulders and put a little bounce in your knees. You've got it. Now let's start from the chorus - 1....2....3"

"If yah status ain't hood
I ain't checkin for yah
Betta be street if he lookin at me
I need a soldier!"

She walked into the room trying not to smile barely brushing my shoulder.

"Thank-you for teaching my kids hip hop. Kids get your shoes and say good-bye to Aunt Jess. We need to be on time for preschool."

Tool Gal

Because it's raining outside and I don't feel like draggin my booty to the gym - it's Monday - gimme a break! This is one of those nights where the single life is helping me improve my tough girl skills. I borrowed a drill from the maintenance guys at my apartment complex to hang shelves. Figuring out how to change the drill bit was like looking for the last piece of the puzzle. I did it! Then came the hard part - making two dots in a straight line to hang the shelf. I gingerly picked up the drill and gripped it tightly. I stared at the wall admiring it's smooth surface, I was about to disfigure the wall. It will never again be the same, sure they can respackle it, but the scar will remain. My eyes narrowed, I zoned in (the wall didn't make a move)
BAM!!! I drilled it Baby!

On another note - I bought an IPOD Mini this past weekend I have lost it 3x already. It's smaller than a finger in chili

A straight man singing a gay man’s verse – belting at the top of his lungs as he changes the lyrics Old School style. “I fuckin really need you tonight – total eclipse of my *&^%” I laughed and took a shot – acting out the scene with Ronda. The man in the corner did not move, the other would not stop watching her. Breaking away from the scene he walked up to me and said, “So who do you know here?”

“Ronda – she’s my best friend”

Shot down! A total ECLIPSE … he walked away. Then grabbed me by the arm to dance with him,”Sorry buddy – I am not comfortable with this.” You truly can’t hit on a girls best friend or any of their friends. I don’t care if your not dating, an ex, or you had sex just once. It’s not to be done. .

Several years ago I was out with a friend and her favorite ex boyfriend. She said to me, “Joe’s going to hit on you – he already told me he thinks you’re hot, and he has a thing for red heads. It’s okay you can date him.”

“And you’d be okay with that?”

“Yes, he’s a great guy”

“You might be okay with that but I am not okay with that”

In the code of friendship would you pass around an ex like hot potato? I have him, now it’s your turn – the music turns off and there you are busted ruled out of the game. I have lost friends for this – well it was a similar selfish act. Men are territorial and so are women.

Dating a friend's ex or dating an ex’s friend is just morally incorrect. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and to go down that road is just selfish and disrespectful. Sure, my girlfriends have dated some good-looking guys with great qualities, but I wouldn't even consider a relationship with them because of the simple fact that they have a history with a friend. If anyone does that to a friend, then they aren't a real friend at all. There's just no excuse for it.

The weekend got a jump start as I was walking through my parking garage I noticed a rather tall and cute guy unloading cases of red bull. I had to comment.
"Your either studying for law school and staying up for weeks or having a party"
He smiled, "Neither, I work for red bull I get these all the time"
Oh- my humor evaporated into embarassment. I walked faster towards my apartment as he said
"regular or sugar free?" I looked over my shoulder at him and coyly replied,
" Sugar free, hi I'm Jess - I just moved in".

The nigh

DUMB SOUTH CAROLINA

If you have not heard all of the smart assed jokes about South Carolina being ridiculed for being down right backwards, crawl out of the cave you’re living in.

Because it is.
It’s beautiful in various parts of the state. I love Charleston, S.C. and want to retire there with my YaYa’s. Southern Hospitality truely exists (I still say mam and sir a lot). There are a lot of progressive thinkers who believe in equal rights for everyone but it's not stressed that they are from S.C. The easiest and most P.C. way to sum up the other parts of the state is I will never ride my bike out of fear some redneck will run me off the road in his pick up just to prove a point. In college I wrote a paper concerning the removal of the confederate flag from the State building. The year was 1997 people! Yes – 1997 –can you believe it stayed flying high above the capital of South Carolina for that long? The South will rise again and Texas will secede – not likely. I’ll be the first one to call BULL SHIT.

And now Tiffy has just informed me of the following.

“Here goes...two laws were up for change from misdemeanors to felonies. One was cock fighting the other criminal domestic violence. Well, it's now a felony charge to cock fight in SC but you can still beat your wife with a slap on the wrist. Look up Rep. Altman who was on air when he called the journalist stupid and dimwitted when asked about the reason for cocks before chicks.”

Pardon my dust

I have not been posting much, hell even I am bored after rereading my last few posts. My birthday celebrations and my kid sisters b-day took up a good bit of time (this is my excuse).

I will soon unveil a new mask to hide behind. I acknowledge I am not fully hidden from you like the time Sarah walked up and said, "So I have to ask you something - are you . . . ?"

Me: "Yes, it's me - I think your a great writer"

Sarah: "I read your blog everyday"

We stood there and smiled at one another - flattered and exposed.

soon to be sassysuspect.com

slave

Remember when you were in elementary school and the teacher would pick you to help on a special project? That project usually included cutting, stapling, running copies, taking things down the hall, etc. At the time your young naive mind did not realize it was child labor. You thought you were special because you were picked to "help".

As an adult - your not special - your a tool! After arriving at the office half an hour early this morning to finish up some paper work my boss saunters in and says, "Hey - how'd you like to help your boss out?" This wasn't really a question, he had pieced together his request as a proverbial favor.
I looked up at him thinking, okay I will stop making you and the company money and "help ",

I replied, "Only if I get mucho brownie points."

DQ: "But of course"

Ventings

Once again it’s the start of the week and I am having focusing problems – I looked around my apartment this morning taking a stock of the weekends various events. An over turned wine glass in the sink, a half read novel with the pages bent down, a beach towel, happy birthday cards, flowers, my gym clothes, a Playboy magazine someone left at my house (note to self don’t discuss articles with new neighbors in PB), and a mind that does not know which way to go with a friendship.
How does one address a friend whom has lied to you? You know they have lied - you caught them fair and square they walked into the corner and can't find a way out. In my ever so subtle manner I expressed my disgust and hurt. After asking her why she out right lied, I want to believe her story I dubbed "The Drunken Curse." It was a a lie – a detail she forgot she told me, that’s the problem with lies; you forget who you said what to.

I have the propensity to walk away from drama; I don’t want to be involved. It’s to much to handle the crap of he said she said and you were my friend first BS. If I wanted drama I would watch the soaps. Have you ever pondered the irony of soap operas containing the word soap? Soap cleanses one to get rid of grime and dirt. Ironically, on soap operas everyone cheats lies, and steals - the whole show is scandalous. Perhaps they are always reaching fro the soap? Just a thought.

Monday morning - apology accepted.

Patiently waiting

It's been a whirlwind of a weekend. Kicking off with a $300.00 shopping splurge at Target of all places. woo hoo - whoa now am really going borderline crazy.



Saturday night Booger - my kid sister - came down with hubby in tow for a night out on the town. Thank-you so much to all my friends who ensured she had a great time. This was a birthday, hiccup, that I am sure she will never forget.

I thought you all forgot - I felt like the kid who couldn't play kick ball because the teams were uneven. Depressed and self-involved it was awful. In my natural escapism fashion I laced up my shoes and went for a run. After all - the next day was a Tuesday - who goes out on a Tuesday?

Not expecting anymore than a few happy emails and elated phone calls I woke up with the sun peaking through my blinds telling me it was time to hit the gym. A bird was squawking outside my window, it's better than a rooster was all I could think. Screw the gym - I walked to Starbucks. Upon my return - you all remembered and had contacted me by 9:00 am.

The rest of the day was awesome -from the time I got to the office till I laid my head down at 2:00am. I can't forget Lindsey singing Flashdance and the whole bar singing to me. ( my face flushed and matched the color of my hair).

Thanks

Shameless - Happy 28th

I don't eat meat, chicken, beef or seafood. ...None at all.
I laugh when I am sad, and cry when I am hurt.
I get very giggly when I am tired.
When you tell me a secret and tell me not to tell anyone I won’t.
I get lost in multi-club venues...and can't remember where my tab is.
I love wine not whining

My idea of a Sunday is going for a run, reading the paper or a book, catching a game, or brunching with friends
I don't date midgets.
I can't manage drunkenness and stairs

I fall down a lot. (when I am drinking)
I love lounge gymnastics too much (have been known to do cartwheels in the hall)

I'm so scatter brained that I will have to go out and buy a duplicate item of something I just bought and lost two days ago.
If I am reading or writing, I will totally block you out if you try to talk to me.
I love playing practical jokes, and hate having them played on me

I am extremely blunt and have a tendency to open my mouth and speak my mind no matter how hard I try to control myself.
I drink like a fish and curse like a sailor, but I don't know if this is a minus or a plus.

I don't play dumb, ever.
I am lousy at forgiving myself.

I'm a huge sports nut. I'll talk about them with any one, even if you have no clue what I'm talking about.
I'm very indecisive, no I ‘m not, yes I am.
I get bored easily and become antsy

I have a very flirtatious nature.

I tend to talk very loud and lack a volume control

Just when you think you've got me fixed, I throw another dysfunction at you to begin the process all over again.

I have a low tolerance for dishonesty. I say it like it is and hold nothing back. I expect the same out of anyone I associate with. An omission is a lie in my book.

Yes my hair is naturally red and no you can’t make me prove it.

Ethan Hawke walked in on me in the bathroom when I was 6 yrs. Old.

I will never again have a roommate

I will never live with someone, again – until I am married.

I have a tough girl attitude but am a real softie.

I’m pro adoption and pro choice.

I would make a good mom someday, but will settle for making an awesome aunt.

I’m not a jealous person.

If you’re going to hold my hand – HOLD IT.

My favorite time of the day is dusk.

I talk to my Mom everyday

I don’t care about a guy’s car and watch. Treat me right

I look in the mirror when I am driving

I can drive with my knees

I love a warm towel

I call people Babe and Dude – A LOT!

I love LOVE

My favorite move is The Princess Bride

I ask people if they want my cat, but could never part with her.

I miss my best friend from high school.

I was 48^th in the nation for cycling in 2002

I have scars from road rash from falling off my bike at 30 mph.

I have run 2 marathons

I have bad knees

I can crack my back on demand

I heart John Cusack and Zach Braff

I’ve never cheated, but have been cheated on.

I believe in Karma

I can still do the Splits.

I know right from wrong – it’s a choice we all make.

I don’t believe in friends of convenience.
I have lived more places then people twice my age.
I have amazing parents.
When people say, "you know how siblings are" like it's a statement - no I don't. Their my best friends.
When I was 5 I was in a Annie Look A Like contest and was runner up.
I think runner up is a strange term.

I still want to be a doctor, a lawyer, and Wonder Woman.

When I was younger and acted up, Mom and Dad would threaten me.
They said, “If you don’t behave – you can’t watch TV. for a week!”This was terror to the ears of a child, I would cringe and shape up immediately. I will do anything, but please – don’t take my television viewing pleasures away. The idea of being deprived of watching 90210, Saved By The Bell, Three’s Company, and many others -- even for one week -- threw me into fits of strife that to say I was difficult is an understatement. . My parents were accustomed to me being difficult – without hesitation -they would yank the cord.

After college, I never made an effort to purchase a new television. I resigned myself to late nights with friends, reading books, talking on the phone, and surfing the web for hours on end. The television is my peripheral nonessential form of entertainment. It’s there for news in the mornings with The Today Show and a guilty dose of Reality T.V. That’s it.

If someone were to disconnect my wireless router or hide my Blackberry I may well become an uber- bitch Medusa style. If I really want to find something out or understand a situation I’ll fill my head with useless information that I have Googled.

And now, this weekend I have committed my self to purchase a TV. Part of my decision is for ascetic purposes. I have the perfect place in my apartment for it. Buy once - buy well – make it HD with a good sound system.

Phase 2

There are the guys who get your pulse going a little, but these are invariably the emotionally unavailable guys. Melancholy Hipster Boy, for example, who send you lots of friendly emails and text messages. He makes it obvious that he wants to hang out with you but then when you do hoof it over to his apartment at 9 pm for pecan pie (when you really should be in bed so you can get up at a ridiculous time to go work out), he spends the whole time talking about himself. Like “Helloooo! I am here! Do you notice me?” Did I bring the fermion's?

It is just discouraging sometimes, people. And I don’t have time for it. Between trying to become a super star sales diva, a rock star, an Aunt, a sister, a friend, and not to mention holding down a full-time job, I don't have much patience for this stuff anymore.

On a side note, I have been able to go to some good ball games this week. Still a little miffed about buying my boss tickets to the Stro's game then he's like," Hey can you see me up there? I'm in the club."

Nice.

Taking Chances

He leaned in for a kiss in the middle of the game. The GAME - I came over to hang out and watch the game. I was knocked off balance and asked, "What are you doing - don't be silly . . . I can’t see the TV.”
He said, but we kissed before.” I stared him down while thinking of a million ways to let him down easy - yeah we kissed it was a peck kiss, that’s all. Nothing more nothing less. I kissed him the same way I kiss would kiss my grandpa. A simple peck on the forehead with a heart felt see you soon. He froze, unsure of what just happened. "Yes we did," I started to stammer, not the Hugh Grant adorable way of stammering, more like Gilbert Godfrey. How do I explain he was in the friend zone? Once I’ve decided you’re in the friend zone. There is no escaping. "Don't be silly, we are neighbors - let’s keep it at that"
We sat there for a few awkward moments. As usual, I made some comment that was a hell of a lot funnier in my head. He glanced over at me still unsure of how to act, told me I was a dork and laughed. Mean while I silently prayed his suave attempt to achieve player status had been thwarted. As I left his apartment to go home he said, "I have a lot of friends I'm not looking for anymore." I blurted out, "Then I guess we can't be friends." He threw the white flag in the air and said, "Let's talk later"
I recall all the Harry Met Sally conversations I have shared with my friends and buddies as to weather or not men and women can be friends. It's an age old question. There are several types of male friends. One being the buddy, the guy who initially notices your womanly curves and thinks you’re cute. At the start of the friendship he angled a few lines to see if you would bite. Unknowingly you turned him down; you didn't even see the bait dangling. He would jump up and down yelling, "Hello do you like me?" You failed to recognize the clues. If you did see the clues, you cast them aside saying to yourself, “I don’t like your bait – I want the one on the upper west side who knows his way around the Loop.” This fish has joined the school of minnows. As Toby says, he’s a “Stripey”. After he acknowledged your lack of attraction, once again he felt the pain of rejection. He brushed his shoulders off and became the guy you call for dating advice. He loves you, respects you, and wants the best for you. Now he’s one of your best buds. This is what I encountered last night.

In rare circumstances after years of being “just friends" SOMETHING changes. The dynamics of the relationship shift. A cold front, turning 30 or 40, changing cologne, to many glasses of cheap merlot, whatever -you begin to see this person for whom they truly are, your best friend and lover. That's what we all want isn't it? But if the attraction isn't there: no promise of tomorrow can exist. Wouldn't that be great if we could buy attraction? Purchase it from a street vendor the same way we buy soft pretzels. Mmm nice and doughy, the perfect combination of salt and substance. Spray fermions over the ones we wish we were attracted to or were attracted to us? Instead it's like trying to grab a prize with a crane. You see the one you want; the coloring is appealing, right size and shape. The geometrics and positioning of the beast look attainable and … you take a chance. You have to!

Me: "Carlin, how are you?"
Her: "We're fine - and you?"

She is now plural - there is no more I in her life of motherhood. She's still the independent brassy gal I adore - almost done with the PHD program at UPENN - 2 beautiful kids and a husband. It's hard not living close to you and seeing your kids and hubby. On days like today I can't help but think, I want to talk to my older sister. I want her to grab my hand and jump into a time machine. Can we have a snow day today? Even though it's April, I want a snow day. Or I want to be sent home because the snow is piling up outside.
Remember how we would leap off the bus careful not to drop our precious art project that was worth a hundred million dollars? Once inside we would rush to see who could get dressed in their snow outfits first. You’d put on those fluffy pink earmuffs Mom bought at Woolworths. Hurry - we only have 3 more hours of daylight. After an hour outside Mom would call us in to eat grilled cheese triangles and tomato soup. You'd laugh at me as my soup would spill down the front of my turtleneck. Hurry you'd say, we need to finish our fort. We'd dash back outside with our straps flailing behind to find our brothers had come home and once again were playing king of the snow fort. They killed our masterpiece. A fun filled snow ball fight would soon ensue which neighborhood kids always flocked to. They came to US. It was one of the many joys of being a member of a large family. I always had friends around. I miss those friends terribly on days like this.

crazy straws in chocolate milk, blowing bubbles in your milk, grilled cheese triangles dipped into tomato soup. Card games. Jacks. Watching The Goonies. Smocks and easels with finger painting. Snack time. Sweet Valley High, Babysitters Club, He-Man, Thunder Cats, Sesame Street, Piglet, Snorkels, making pottery in art class, recess, behaving during the length of the school day so your teacher would allow you to have an extra 15 minutes at recess, Fraggle Rock, Kids Incorporated, Mr. Rogers always freaked us out, Capatin Kangaroo, we thought Kirk Cameron was heart throb, Rick Schroder will always be Ricky, Lost Boys, The Coreys', Dangly earings, Charm Bracelets, Chucks a.k.a Converse, cinch cuffed jeans, bangs.

Would you actually use a time machine?

Is it something in the air?

A Polish Blessing- May your heart be as patient as the earth. Your love as warm as harvest gold. May your days be full, as the city is full Your nights as joyful as dancers. May your arms be as welcoming as home. May your faith be as enduring as God's love. Your spirit as valiant as your heritage. May your hand be as sure as a friend. Your dreams as hopeful as a child. May your soul be as brave as your people. AND MAY YOU BE BLESSED.

Everything is changing, people are moving on rapidly. In the past 6 months THREE of my dear friends have lost a parent. And now, as a true failthful Catholic - we are all orphans. I cry and sob, the heart aching wail that is terror to the ears. You know this feeling, you feel your vocal chords echo and vibrate with out a peep, just a wail. Pope John Paul II touched thousands of lives through blessing, love, and compassion. He brought religions together being the first Pope to EVER enter a Mosque. He acknowledged there is a God and showed respect to other religions. Perhaps - just perhaps - he made it easier for my Grandma to understand my sister marrying a Muslim. They were married in a Church by a Priest and a Shake - a tag team ceremony if you will. Once again, I digress. He was also the first Priest to EVER enter into a synagogue. Many of his appearances were political, and why shouldn't they be? He is at the top of the food chain, CEO, President, THE BIG CHEESE of the Catholic Church. He began talks with Syria, visited Cuba, Russia, and has been a key player in bringing an end to communism world wide.

The Pope held fast to the belief of not allowing women to become Priests. He has been accused of not keeping up with modern thinking by such action. I agree with the Pope, I consider myself a progressive traditionalist. One mother - one father together forever. Not everyone has such a luxury as the nuclear family is no longer the norm. The days of women vacuuming wearing pearls are over (did that actually happen?). However, when roots are deep buried under pounds of sod, water, and earth it is necessary to stand stand strong.

PJP - you are loved and missed

Guess what?

Only because I know you read this Big Brother. Mom said you think I am ready to settle down. Ahem - my question is, with who? I mean Joe is cool and all but she's a cat.

Tomorrow I move out. Another chapter of my life closed. Just a few days ago Blondie did some pretty rotten things to me. She hacked several of my online accounts and sent emails from my accounts. My initial reaction was to take her out and show her how we handle things in Jersey.
Sadly enough I have this strong powerful thing called a conscious. She wants a reaction from me; she does not deserve that type of satisfaction. God and Karma will kick her ass a lot harder than I ever could.

Funny enough I am some what sad as it wasn't always like this. We used to laugh until our sides ached, sending nonstop emails and text messages all day long. If one of us were out and had our bed sheets in the wash - we would finish the wash and make the bed. We were thoughtful and considerate. I came around the blind curve and saw the first signs Sept. 11th when we met Bobby and Brian. Instead of turning her in, I made her wrong right - correcting her mistake and believing it WAS a momentary lapse in judgment. One should not look back and agonize over the situation. Over the years I have had to say goodbye to friends for various reasons. I enjoyed the good times we had and regret the way the story played out.

It’s back to me and Joe , the crazy attack cat.