February 21, 2007
July 28, 2006
February 15, 2006
January 02, 2006
November 26, 2005
November 15, 2005
October 19, 2005
October 03, 2005
Thursday evening I tossed my napkin on the chair and told my coworker,
“I’ve gotta get out of here. This stomach ulcer is killing me.”
“Damn, your leaving me alone? You’re going to miss the boring speeches”
“You’ll miss me. I know.”
I shouldn’t be drinking, with an ulcer and all. I know. It’s like a physician who smokes. But…
Two hours later I pointed to the side of the bar and pointed out a man I had shamefully flirted with while volunteering at the Astrodome.
Erin buckled and said, “It is. The Volunteer Nazi”
I found trouble hiding. Yup. Leave it to my friends to casually meet up for a drink and invite mayhem. My headache Friday morning thanks you very much. However, I did finally find out the Volunteer Nazi’s name. And. We’ll save that for later.
In the mean time, relationships are tough. I make them tougher. Your friends should look out for you. That’s why they are your friends. They should stop you from crossing a busy street type of thing. Sometimes, a friend thinks, in her heart of hearts she’s saving you from danger. From being run over by a MAC truck and.
Perhaps. She is
Like a persistent matador, I’m insistent on learning lessons for myself. Maybe her restraint will be wrong or maybe she’ll be right. Time will tell.
Oh and YEAH ASTROS – here we go again.
August 08, 2005
We’ve all been homesick for a place that doesn’t really exist. It’s a strategy, a strange idea, and our imaginary world. Of starting and ending sentences with prepositions, home baked cookies and home made perogies with real sour cream. Some would cringe at the mention of a reunion. Your knee deep in relatives and questions; deeper than a canyon with no escape.
Blood + Life = FAMILY.
After arriving in Ohio my brother said he would be waiting at the car rental, “You’ll see me when you walk outside I am in a SUV.” I saw him . . . or so I thought. I opened the back hatch, threw my luggage in the back, and climbed in the passenger seat. The man driving smiled and said, “Where are we going?”
My unprotective brother sat watching the entire thing. Ha Ha.
It’s “awesome” to think that we are family knowing we get along like champagne and strawberries. More than friends and deeper than soul – a baritone Barry White gliding through life with hugs and cheers. A family of practical jokers spread out like the Star of David. Boston, New Jersey, P.A., Florida, L.A., Manhattan, San Fran, S.D., Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and Chicago, and Houston.
I miss them already but don’t miss the questions. I’d make a horrible celebrity.
May 19, 2005
OMG Ronda whatever you do "DON'T SAY CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN, CANDY MAN!"
On another random note:
I tried to make an appointment with a vendor today bu apparentlythe IT world is on hold, as Star Wars fans everywhere watch the latest film. There is a group outing to view the movie. If there was ever an opportunity to hack a system or unload a virus it is today.
May 16, 2005
It was only a kiss
Not enough to feed your friends. He ate the flower at Komodo's and popped a button on his retro shirt. Funny at first then questionable
Saturday: I rolled out of bed with a head pounding from the night before, unsure if the culprit was the Bullblasters or Whataburger. I phoned D-Love and told her I was on my way. Fabulous - get here as soon as you can.
Barely 11:00 am and they were drinking. Art cars are a anomaly. Strangely fascinating and funny to watch. A large crew had gathered for prefestivities bloody mary's and sangria, toxicly lethal kamikazes. To the parkway for the parade. Political conversations ensued, "Is he going to lower my fucking taxes?" embarrassed and horrified I ran to cover the 5 year olds ears. Baby Jesus can I deduct 2 minutes of my life?
20 versions of Elvis (pssssttt he's alive), ladies taking baths in tubs with wheels, roller girl, Steve stalked the Playboy Bunny car, Jen and I keeping each other vertical as he motioned for us to come in the car . .. . he had candy (I never learned the stranger and candy equation)
Back at the house to replenish:
His back was to the crowd and hers was to him. She looked at me as we gushed over the avocado dip. Smiling and laughing we noticed the pudgy man in the corner can juggle jello. He became aware of our lurking eyes and tossed us plastic containers. I barely caught mine, she laid her hand out as it swept past her fingertips heading for the floor. He was behind her and caught it. His laughter broke AT us as he handed her the jello and promptly went to get us some well needed water.
His eyes said it all and the way they touched, she never turned around, she knew he was there. Dating a year, yes the man should love the woman just a smidge more.
On to the pool 40 or so of us went. I am a hazard to myself - phi beta stupid moment as I dove in 4 feet of water. The scrape on my chin is horrific. I miss the skin, a drunken travesty I am slathering with Neosporin.
Sunday: Babe, it' 10:21 planes to catch and family to hug. Tierra's and boas for her birthday celebration for my niece. I had drunken baby syndrome. Happy Birthday - a year really does change everything.
May 15, 2005
Please update i have moved here
Sometimes your independent to a fault. She told me not meaning it as the compliment I took it as. I like to do things on my own and have a problem asking for help. Im not a soldier wounded in battle who needs others to lean on. I dont do victim. Its weak and causes people to look at you as though you need help. HELP! Sometimes its a persons weakness that endears you to them. Once their fixed they aren't as likeable. Im full of dysfunctions and weaknesses. I dont wear them on my sleeve like a badge of honor. They are the black tape on my arm like a platoon remembering a fallen hero. Dramatic, but not tragic.
The needy codependent gal is only satiated by him
I really like you
Dont tell me that
Why? I do
Ill run, its what I do. Show me dont tell me
File under Introspection
File under Introspection
May 13, 2005
Maybe it’s just me, but the place exploded like an atom sending dust particles of hem and haw. Drinks were poured and sloshed toasting. Like it was a fad going out of style, emphasis on the Daaaahhhhling. Glasses were broken as the free vodka ran out. A virus of knock off Louis Vitton and cheap Prada were the rage. Like I said, maybe it’s just me, but I prefer my sandals and flip flops to Gucci, Prada, or Louis Vitton it’s all so passé and easy. Like Tiffany jewelry. It’s a safe bet when all the chips are down place your money on the highest ranked. Over priced and unimaginative, but safe. The safety school of style – stick with the basics, even if it’s fake. And smile as the girl who’s dating your ex glares at you from across the bar.
I lied – which I rarely do.
“BABY – so good to see you! I saw your name on the evite. Did you see mine and know I was going to be here?”
Tapping my foot and feeling the breeze across my sandals, “Yes, baby I did.”
I wonder if we are ever really happy or if we look for the safety school. Sticking with the basics. I don’t like the basics, they are over priced and lack substance. Mom says, “basic is black and boring – anyone can wear black, it takes style to wear color.”
The routine of life as we strap ourselves in with a harness not taking the chance and betting on the lesser known. He may break my heart and I may not get into grad school but it won’t be imitation or lies. It will be all new full of color and tears, free falling baby – that’s what it’s about.
Don't call me Dahhling
May 11, 2005
A Year Ago - b/c he called today
Children should be told that a good thing in life will not wait forever.
We spend 6 months of our lives waiting in line passing time waiting for things to happen. Standing there unable to move. Blood racing through our veins, cells mutating, heart pounding, growth and reproduction is inevitable.
But there I stood in my sterile world unable to move waiting.
And I stopped reading the strategically placed emails while my cell phone remained silent. So that any live conversations are postponed until “he is READY” to deal with it. Maybe it is not that he does not love or is being selfish, maybe he just exists in every current moment (why I think I should feel little better). Perhaps he is in love with being in love. Like a child who gets a new toy leaving behind the older tattered one. The new one appears shiny. For that moment, he ranks his trip to gym, or a drink with that woman he said was a buddy a higher priority than me.
Marginal utility of everything around him is deemed equal, conveniently, so that in that make believe equilibrium, it is justified for him to not sacrifice one thing over another, me over others.
For each moment I am spending wondering about what we had, between us I am over-drafting my bank of dignity and self respect. All the while putting it in a bottomless bag of love that I was dying to hang on to, scared to lose, unable to leave behind, and ready to share.
But in the world of love by the selfish and the weak-hearted, we will only be truly missed when we are gone, not being there when in demand.I did not want to stay around for Mr. Preoccupied while I continue acting cool and aloof.
File under memories
May 10, 2005
"Whats your theme song?"
"Ya know your theme song, the song that describes you and always picks you up?"
Blankly, I replied, "You want to know what my theme song is."
I visibly rolled my eyes at her. I couldnt help it, it was inevitable. A theme song? Thats more cliché than identifying with Alley McBeal or Carrie Bradshaw. She waited, glaring at me as though it was a simple question such as, whats you favorite color?
"And its supposed to describe my life and the life I want to believe I am living?
"Something like that."
Looking at her I knew she was serious and wanted an honest response from me. She was sincere in her question, any response I could give would have been grabbing at cultural straws trying and reaching for the answer she was looking for. I was not aware of this cultural phenomenon where I am supposed to allow a repetitive chorus followed by a few guitar solos to define my life.
"Come on now Ive read some of your blog, you must have a song."
I wanted to blurt out and say, Baby, I am a lot more than my blog and a fucking song. Instead I replied, Ill have to get back to you on that one.
Instead I replied, Ill have to get back to you on that one.
Do most people have a theme song?
After going for my run this evening and realizing the one song I tend to loop on my IPOD is "Express Yourself" by Salt N' Peppa -its a little old but has lots of rhythm
May 09, 2005
It’s the start of spring and I am sick. My body is here attached to the keyboard while my head floats around the office aimlessly. I am pretty sure if I stare out the window long enough I will have an out of body experience flying around
I just touched my cheek, it brought me back to reality. I am no longer doing impersonations. It’s alive –mughhhahaha! Sitting at my desk, my eyes are so tired they are trying to hibernate while the phone keeps ringing and office mate won’t stop yelling. I want the comfort of my couch and my rose colored fleece.
Swallowing feels like a frog is playing ping pong with my uvula. When I talk my eyes droop and my head is hung low. I feel like a cross between yo sammity sam and bugs bunny. What’s up doc? The stuff isn’t working I feel loopy, cartoon like.
I am starting to be able to breathe out of both nostrils again but DQ, my boss, is heading this way and he might start to wonder why I am braiding the carpet and making rubber band balls. It’s the meds boss I swear.
May 04, 2005
Command the Chicken
Command the Chicken
May 03, 2005
I hadn't planned on blogging today a friend attacked me for being lazy when it comes to dating. YUP I AM - bored of it that is.
Dating does suck.. I agree with you completely or may be I am just your typical serial dater. Seriously, either you are too picky or just not looking for the right type of men or just looking too hard or attracted to losers or players or looking for perfect. Single or otherwise, life's about
being happy with yourself first which from the look of things you do (at least on the exterior). And personally, you got very little competition amongst your gender when it comes to dating men ! I don't know a single guy who does not like a nice, attractive, funny, outdoorsy, cultured girl.
ME: (big sigh) We all have our own faults I know mine and wear them like a scarlet letter. Its the whole thing of trying to be whom we want others to see us as game. I dont put myself out there like I should, as a lot of us don't. Sometimes its easier to sit at home and read filling my head with useless knowledge than to play Paris Hilton.
We all have our ways of not dealing with dating, why didnt we talk to the person who was giving us the look from across the bar or the guy in the corner? Instead we are left with the perpetual "What if" and "I wonder". We shoot ourselves down before anyone else has the opportunity to. Its a sick and twisted game which is lazier than a man sitting down to pee.
Where are my caffeine pills?
May 02, 2005
Ever have one of those weekends where the whole thing feels like a brand new adventure? Only you are not paired up with one of your good friends for the journey. Every turn you take – you take alone. Instead of being timid or shy of what’s around the corner you charge full force ahead. Directionless – but laughing the entire time. Flashbacks of Goonies ready for the next challenge.
That was my weekend. Except . . .
I disappear on people –
It’s a habit I have always had.
I’m independent to a fault.
Friday started out simple enough going to a friend’s birthday party (Mom if your reading you should stop reading now before you start fearing for my safety). At the party, I ran into a good buddy of mine who was with 3 very good looking guys. Just by looking at them one could tell they were the right kind of wrong but with a Three Stooges personality. Fingers snapped and I was in a cab with them on my way to another bar.
I never said good-bye to the b-day girl
30 minutes later
My phone rings – hey it’s M – I am up the street a bar that just opened next to BW3’s
I can walk there right?
I never said goodbye and walked up the street
The layout was nice, clean wide angled edges with a crisp sharpness to the bar. I quickly found my friends but something was very out of place. My friend was wearing a shirt underneath a shirt. I like the layer look but - it was a tattoo shirt, the bottom shirt is supposed to make it look like you have tattoos on your arms (M – if your reading this – you’ll never live it down, your still a bad ass – minus the tattoos.)
After a good hour there I was outside making new friends when the birthday girl called. Feeling like a child who ran away from home, I hailed a cab and jetted back to the original bar.
I never said good-bye to M.
It’s dangerous to disappear. On the nights I perform my vanishing act I will wake up the next day to numerous miscalls and J – WTF – WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? Those that know me are accustomed to the tried and true ritual of me disappearing into thin air. I don’t do anything I shouldn’t do, I don’t go home with strange men and I’d like to think I could drop kick someone’s ass if they tried to hurt me,
(like to think).
April 28, 2005
“You want to drink a red? Are you sure? You’ve been drinking Sauvignon lately. . . ? “
“Yes Pinot Please.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want?”
I looked at him wondering why he was dissecting my simple response as to what type of wine I want to drink with dinner. Does he not think I know what I want? Can he see me the sweat accumulating on my palms? Do I really want to be here at dinner with him or with someone who can read my mind knowing I want red tonight. Now he’s got me questioning myself.
Do I know what I want? A simple question red or white. The taste of red and white and the way they swirl around the glass meshing with my entrée are as different as night and day. As are all the men I have dated.
My reds are strong clean men that are stable. They are the man’s man opting to go watch football or chop down a tree instead of attending Rea’s art opening with me. The reds are my challenges; they know how to handle my brassy edges. They go to work and breakdown corporate execs looking for their faults rationalizing how to win the deal. These are the GQ’s I have dated. Centered and self assured always sticking to the TO DO LIST and freaking out if you sidestep. They are stable and predictable.
If you pick a cabernet vine to early or late it will ruin the wine turning it into a marinade for cheap meat.
The whites are crisp, clean, adventurous, and aloof. The artists and marketers of my world painting me the big picture on canvas. Surprises of butterflies and honey suckles’ left on my door step with out a cause. Everyday is a new adventure and fun. Running around the city palm to palm vacationing everyday. They lack the serious side. But allow me/us to dream we can live on pennies and pickles sight seeing every day. Just writing that makes me want to be Paris Hilton. They lack a planning ability, it’s frustrating and occasionally down right rude. That’s the thing with white wine, put in the back of the fridge for weeks, months, years, when you’re ready to use it ‘LETS GO!’
In the weekend warrior world of bar hopping I am on the prowl searching. We are all searching for what? It’s a personal question weather you are looking for booty, friends, relationships, or to forget your problems. We search for the happy ending even if it is fleeting the moment it begins. We have to believe it’s out there. I know it exists and I used to think I knew what I wanted until this guy questioned my judgment. And now, I am still a little tipsy from the Pinot. It’s to late for laundry, for pie, for the bubble bath I have been longing, for saving a lost friendship I worry is doomed, for fixing my mis-citations, for drunk dialing my Mom and Dad . . . again, perhaps one more glass of wine. A meritage perhaps.
After rereading my entry seems a blush would be in order for the blend I am looking for. A dusted off bottle of red zin.
April 26, 2005
"Very good now loosen up your shoulders and put a little bounce in your knees. You've got it. Now let's start from the chorus - 1....2....3"
"If yah status ain't hood
I ain't checkin for yah
Betta be street if he lookin at me
I need a soldier!"
She walked into the room trying not to smile barely brushing my shoulder.
"Thank-you for teaching my kids hip hop. Kids get your shoes and say good-bye to Aunt Jess. We need to be on time for preschool."
April 25, 2005
BAM!!! I drilled it Baby!
On another note - I bought an IPOD Mini this past weekend I have lost it 3x already. It's smaller than a finger in chili
A straight man singing a gay man’s verse – belting at the top of his lungs as he changes the lyrics Old School style. “I fuckin really need you tonight – total eclipse of my *&^%” I laughed and took a shot – acting out the scene with Ronda. The man in the corner did not move, the other would not stop watching her. Breaking away from the scene he walked up to me and said, “So who do you know here?”
“Ronda – she’s my best friend”
Shot down! A total ECLIPSE … he walked away. Then grabbed me by the arm to dance with him,”Sorry buddy – I am not comfortable with this.” You truly can’t hit on a girls best friend or any of their friends. I don’t care if your not dating, an ex, or you had sex just once. It’s not to be done. .
Several years ago I was out with a friend and her favorite ex boyfriend. She said to me, “Joe’s going to hit on you – he already told me he thinks you’re hot, and he has a thing for red heads. It’s okay you can date him.”
“And you’d be okay with that?”
“Yes, he’s a great guy”
“You might be okay with that but I am not okay with that”
In the code of friendship would you pass around an ex like hot potato? I have him, now it’s your turn – the music turns off and there you are busted ruled out of the game. I have lost friends for this – well it was a similar selfish act. Men are territorial and so are women.
Dating a friend's ex or dating an ex’s friend is just morally incorrect. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and to go down that road is just selfish and disrespectful. Sure, my girlfriends have dated some good-looking guys with great qualities, but I wouldn't even consider a relationship with them because of the simple fact that they have a history with a friend. If anyone does that to a friend, then they aren't a real friend at all. There's just no excuse for it.
April 23, 2005
"Your either studying for law school and staying up for weeks or having a party"
He smiled, "Neither, I work for red bull I get these all the time"
Oh- my humor evaporated into embarassment. I walked faster towards my apartment as he said
"regular or sugar free?" I looked over my shoulder at him and coyly replied,
" Sugar free, hi I'm Jess - I just moved in".
April 22, 2005
DUMB SOUTH CAROLINA
If you have not heard all of the smart assed jokes about
Because it is.
It’s beautiful in various parts of the state. I love
And now Tiffy has just informed me of the following.
“Here goes...two laws were up for change from misdemeanors to felonies. One was cock fighting the other criminal domestic violence. Well, it's now a felony charge to cock fight in SC but you can still beat your wife with a slap on the wrist. Look up Rep. Altman who was on air when he called the journalist stupid and dimwitted when asked about the reason for cocks before chicks.”
April 20, 2005
Pardon my dust
I will soon unveil a new mask to hide behind. I acknowledge I am not fully hidden from you like the time Sarah walked up and said, "So I have to ask you something - are you . . . ?"
Me: "Yes, it's me - I think your a great writer"
Sarah: "I read your blog everyday"
We stood there and smiled at one another - flattered and exposed.
soon to be sassysuspect.com
As an adult - your not special - your a tool! After arriving at the office half an hour early this morning to finish up some paper work my boss saunters in and says, "Hey - how'd you like to help your boss out?" This wasn't really a question, he had pieced together his request as a proverbial favor.
I looked up at him thinking, okay I will stop making you and the company money and "help ",
I replied, "Only if I get mucho brownie points."
DQ: "But of course"
April 19, 2005
Once again its the start of the week and I am having focusing problems I looked around my apartment this morning taking a stock of the weekends various events. An over turned wine glass in the sink, a half read novel with the pages bent down, a beach towel, happy birthday cards, flowers, my gym clothes, a Playboy magazine someone left at my house (note to self dont discuss articles with new neighbors in PB), and a mind that does not know which way to go with a friendship.
How does one address a friend whom has lied to you? You know they have lied - you caught them fair and square they walked into the corner and can't find a way out. In my ever so subtle manner I expressed my disgust and hurt. After asking her why she out right lied, I want to believe her story I dubbed "The Drunken Curse." It was a a lie a detail she forgot she told me, thats the problem with lies; you forget who you said what to.
I have the propensity to walk away from drama; I dont want to be involved. Its to much to handle the crap of he said she said and you were my friend first BS. If I wanted drama I would watch the soaps. Have you ever pondered the irony of soap operas containing the word soap? Soap cleanses one to get rid of grime and dirt. Ironically, on soap operas everyone cheats lies, and steals - the whole show is scandalous. Perhaps they are always reaching fro the soap? Just a thought.
Monday morning - apology accepted.
April 18, 2005
Saturday night Booger - my kid sister - came down with hubby in tow for a night out on the town. Thank-you so much to all my friends who ensured she had a great time. This was a birthday, hiccup, that I am sure she will never forget.
April 14, 2005
Not expecting anymore than a few happy emails and elated phone calls I woke up with the sun peaking through my blinds telling me it was time to hit the gym. A bird was squawking outside my window, it's better than a rooster was all I could think. Screw the gym - I walked to Starbucks. Upon my return - you all remembered and had contacted me by 9:00 am.
The rest of the day was awesome -from the time I got to the office till I laid my head down at 2:00am. I can't forget Lindsey singing Flashdance and the whole bar singing to me. ( my face flushed and matched the color of my hair).
April 12, 2005
Shameless - Happy 28th
(have been known to do cartwheels in the hall)
I don't play dumb, ever.
I am lousy at forgiving myself.
April 11, 2005
When I was younger and acted up, Mom and Dad would threaten me.
They said, “If you don’t behave – you can’t watch TV. for a week!”This was terror to the ears of a child, I would cringe and shape up immediately. I will do anything, but please – don’t take my television viewing pleasures away. The idea of being deprived of watching 90210, Saved By The Bell, Three’s Company, and many others -- even for one week -- threw me into fits of strife that to say I was difficult is an understatement. . My parents were accustomed to me being difficult – without hesitation -they would yank the cord.
After college, I never made an effort to purchase a new television. I resigned myself to late nights with friends, reading books, talking on the phone, and surfing the web for hours on end. The television is my peripheral nonessential form of entertainment. It’s there for news in the mornings with The Today Show and a guilty dose of Reality T.V. That’s it.
If someone were to disconnect my wireless router or hide my Blackberry I may well become an uber- bitch Medusa style. If I really want to find something out or understand a situation I’ll fill my head with useless information that I have Googled.
And now, this weekend I have committed my self to purchase a TV. Part of my decision is for ascetic purposes. I have the perfect place in my apartment for it. Buy once - buy well – make it HD with a good sound system.
April 07, 2005
There are the guys who get your pulse going a little, but these are invariably the emotionally unavailable guys. Melancholy Hipster Boy, for example, who send you lots of friendly emails and text messages. He makes it obvious that he wants to hang out with you but then when you do hoof it over to his apartment at 9 pm for pecan pie (when you really should be in bed so you can get up at a ridiculous time to go work out), he spends the whole time talking about himself. Like Helloooo! I am here! Do you notice me? Did I bring the fermion's?
It is just discouraging sometimes, people. And I dont have time for it. Between trying to become a super star sales diva, a rock star, an Aunt, a sister, a friend, and not to mention holding down a full-time job, I don't have much patience for this stuff anymore.
On a side note, I have been able to go to some good ball games this week. Still a little miffed about buying my boss tickets to the Stro's game then he's like," Hey can you see me up there? I'm in the club."
April 05, 2005
He leaned in for a kiss in the middle of the game. The GAME - I came over to hang out and watch the game. I was knocked off balance and asked, "What are you doing - don't be silly . . . I can’t see the TV.”
He said, but we kissed before.” I stared him down while thinking of a million ways to let him down easy - yeah we kissed it was a peck kiss, that’s all. Nothing more nothing less. I kissed him the same way I kiss would kiss my grandpa. A simple peck on the forehead with a heart felt see you soon. He froze, unsure of what just happened. "Yes we did," I started to stammer, not the Hugh Grant adorable way of stammering, more like Gilbert Godfrey. How do I explain he was in the friend zone? Once I’ve decided you’re in the friend zone. There is no escaping. "Don't be silly, we are neighbors - let’s keep it at that"
We sat there for a few awkward moments. As usual, I made some comment that was a hell of a lot funnier in my head. He glanced over at me still unsure of how to act, told me I was a dork and laughed. Mean while I silently prayed his suave attempt to achieve player status had been thwarted. As I left his apartment to go home he said, "I have a lot of friends I'm not looking for anymore." I blurted out, "Then I guess we can't be friends." He threw the white flag in the air and said, "Let's talk later"
I recall all the Harry Met Sally conversations I have shared with my friends and buddies as to weather or not men and women can be friends. It's an age old question. There are several types of male friends. One being the buddy, the guy who initially notices your womanly curves and thinks you’re cute. At the start of the friendship he angled a few lines to see if you would bite. Unknowingly you turned him down; you didn't even see the bait dangling. He would jump up and down yelling, "Hello do you like me?" You failed to recognize the clues. If you did see the clues, you cast them aside saying to yourself, “I don’t like your bait – I want the one on the upper west side who knows his way around the
In rare circumstances after years of being “just friends" SOMETHING changes. The dynamics of the relationship shift. A cold front, turning 30 or 40, changing cologne, to many glasses of cheap merlot, whatever -you begin to see this person for whom they truly are, your best friend and lover. That's what we all want isn't it? But if the attraction isn't there: no promise of tomorrow can exist. Wouldn't that be great if we could buy attraction? Purchase it from a street vendor the same way we buy soft pretzels. Mmm nice and doughy, the perfect combination of salt and substance. Spray fermions over the ones we wish we were attracted to or were attracted to us? Instead it's like trying to grab a prize with a crane. You see the one you want; the coloring is appealing, right size and shape. The geometrics and positioning of the beast look attainable and … you take a chance. You have to!
April 04, 2005
Me: "Carlin, how are you?"
Her: "We're fine - and you?"
She is now plural - there is no more I in her life of motherhood. She's still the independent brassy gal I adore - almost done with the PHD program at UPENN - 2 beautiful kids and a husband. It's hard not living close to you and seeing your kids and hubby. On days like today I can't help but think, I want to talk to my older sister. I want her to grab my hand and jump into a time machine. Can we have a snow day today? Even though it's April, I want a snow day. Or I want to be sent home because the snow is piling up outside.
Remember how we would leap off the bus careful not to drop our precious art project that was worth a hundred million dollars? Once inside we would rush to see who could get dressed in their snow outfits first. You’d put on those fluffy pink earmuffs Mom bought at Woolworths. Hurry - we only have 3 more hours of daylight. After an hour outside Mom would call us in to eat grilled cheese triangles and tomato soup. You'd laugh at me as my soup would spill down the front of my turtleneck. Hurry you'd say, we need to finish our fort. We'd dash back outside with our straps flailing behind to find our brothers had come home and once again were playing king of the snow fort. They killed our masterpiece. A fun filled snow ball fight would soon ensue which neighborhood kids always flocked to. They came to US. It was one of the many joys of being a member of a large family. I always had friends around. I miss those friends terribly on days like this.
crazy straws in chocolate milk, blowing bubbles in your milk, grilled cheese triangles dipped into tomato soup. Card games. Jacks. Watching The Goonies. Smocks and easels with finger painting. Snack time. Sweet Valley High, Babysitters Club, He-Man, Thunder Cats, Sesame Street, Piglet, Snorkels, making pottery in art class, recess, behaving during the length of the school day so your teacher would allow you to have an extra 15 minutes at recess, Fraggle Rock, Kids Incorporated, Mr. Rogers always freaked us out, Capatin Kangaroo, we thought Kirk Cameron was heart throb, Rick Schroder will always be Ricky, Lost Boys, The Coreys', Dangly earings, Charm Bracelets, Chucks a.k.a Converse, cinch cuffed jeans, bangs.
Would you actually use a time machine?
April 03, 2005
Is it something in the air?
Everything is changing, people are moving on rapidly. In the past 6 months THREE of my dear friends have lost a parent. And now, as a true failthful Catholic - we are all orphans. I cry and sob, the heart aching wail that is terror to the ears. You know this feeling, you feel your vocal chords echo and vibrate with out a peep, just a wail. Pope John Paul II touched thousands of lives through blessing, love, and compassion. He brought religions together being the first Pope to EVER enter a Mosque. He acknowledged there is a God and showed respect to other religions. Perhaps - just perhaps - he made it easier for my Grandma to understand my sister marrying a Muslim. They were married in a Church by a Priest and a Shake - a tag team ceremony if you will. Once again, I digress. He was also the first Priest to EVER enter into a synagogue. Many of his appearances were political, and why shouldn't they be? He is at the top of the food chain, CEO, President, THE BIG CHEESE of the Catholic Church. He began talks with Syria, visited Cuba, Russia, and has been a key player in bringing an end to communism world wide.
The Pope held fast to the belief of not allowing women to become Priests. He has been accused of not keeping up with modern thinking by such action. I agree with the Pope, I consider myself a progressive traditionalist. One mother - one father together forever. Not everyone has such a luxury as the nuclear family is no longer the norm. The days of women vacuuming wearing pearls are over (did that actually happen?). However, when roots are deep buried under pounds of sod, water, and earth it is necessary to stand stand strong.
PJP - you are loved and missed
April 01, 2005
Tomorrow I move out. Another chapter of my life closed. Just a few days ago Blondie did some pretty rotten things to me. She hacked several of my online accounts and sent emails from my accounts. My initial reaction was to take her out and show her how we handle things in
Sadly enough I have this strong powerful thing called a conscious. She wants a reaction from me; she does not deserve that type of satisfaction. God and Karma will kick her ass a lot harder than I ever could.
Funny enough I am some what sad as it wasn't always like this. We used to laugh until our sides ached, sending nonstop emails and text messages all day long. If one of us were out and had our bed sheets in the wash - we would finish the wash and make the bed. We were thoughtful and considerate. I came around the blind curve and saw the first signs Sept. 11th when we met Bobby and Brian. Instead of turning her in, I made her wrong right - correcting her mistake and believing it WAS a momentary lapse in judgment. One should not look back and agonize over the situation. Over the years I have had to say goodbye to friends for various reasons. I enjoyed the good times we had and regret the way the story played out.
It’s back to me and Joe , the crazy attack cat.
March 28, 2005
Have you ever
Have you ever got that sinking feeling. Like you found a whole in the hardwood floor and are stuck between the first and second floor. Shelley Long and Tom Hanks in The Money Pit. You are oh - so - vulnerable and can't do anything about it. There you are slaving away workin for da man, sitting at your desk with a mountain of work and a list of people to call back. Your phone is ringing, engineers are coming in your office asking questions about your accounts. Stage left your boss walks in looking past everything else and tells you to write a SOF and drive 2 hours to visit a client. 3 minutes later your best friend calls you crying. It's all to much.
I get to walk away at - Lately it's been more like 6 or which is fine as the end is near. The time where I get back from the gym, grab my book, turn off my phone, and lay on my bed - it's quiet. There is nothing. Almost done with old Blondie, soon no one. No one there to bother me, no one there calling my name asking me to come and chase the monsters away. No one there yelling because their brother or sister is hitting them. Silence. Alone. Nothing. Yes it's lonely. But comfortable.
Yesterday after gorging ourselves on wine and Easter dinner we sat at the table discussing the Shivo case, kids birthdays, holidays, kids, kids, and kids. I was the only single one there. The others were family and close personal friends whom discussed times when they had reached the end. The kids were crying, yelling, screaming, they had been acting up for weeks and there was no end in sight. At these times, they look at their children thinking how something with such a wretched temper could come from me. Day dreams of late night clubbing and vacations in
March 25, 2005
On my way home yesterday a homeless man was holding a sign that said, "Homeless Republican” I laughed. The base of the Republican Party is personal accountability and govt. hands off. The Republican Party platform would leave me to believe, if one is homeless they should try- try - and try again to get a job and not beg for money. A true Right Winged Conservative would never give the "Homeless Republican" hand outs. However, a wave of change has washed over the Republican Party as "compassionate conservatives" emerge. President Bush defines this term as, “It is compassionate to actively help our fellow citizens in need. It is conservative to insist on responsibility and results."
I am registered as an Independent but lean Republican. I gave the guy two bucks.
March 24, 2005
This girl's gotta lean to clean up her mouth...and keyboard, I guess.
Apparently, profanity counts as "spamlike" material. Our spam filter keeps censoring my outgoing emails. I already know I need to filter my mouth , especially after a couple of cocktails.
I've handled one of four man-options. An ex issue is being born, and I'll need to deal with -that- over the weekend for sure.
Why can't I own more than one "pair of shoes?" I am fully able to maintain them with loyalty, interest and respect. At least I think I could. If only they could coexist!
Sigh. I just hate having to choose.
March 23, 2005
Barry Bonds is the King of Cliché’s
Short and sweet b/c I don’t really have time to blog today, as you can tell. I don’t feel any pity for Barry Bonds at all. He has just returned from having surgery on his knees. Yeah – smart move buddy – let’s wait until right before the season openers to have surgery and you just HAPPEN to be in the middle of a steroid controversy. He said to the media while leaning on his crutch, “Make sure you get a picture of my son so you can see how much you (the media) have hurt my family.” Where is this kid’s agent? Surely child labor laws of some applet court have addressed this issue previously. Bonds said he is drained and is trying to make us believe he is a dedicated family man and states, “I am tired of my kids crying.” Then why is he using them for his better gain? Heck even Jack-o has the sense to drape sheets over his kids or make them wear funny masks. Were you trying to prove that your testicles hadn’t shrunk b/c of the steroids and you were fertile? Okay – we get it – just leave the kids out of it.
March 22, 2005
Apparently I am a Lepar
Some people don’t understand it; others envy it, and some just scoff and think I am foolish. So be it – the world will continue to revolve and stay balanced on its axis.
My office mates have gone out to lunch with out me a few times. Granted the days they have done this I have been running around the office on the phone, sending emails, blogging, etc. giving them that look like I am in the tryouts for the office Olympics award of the year. Upon their return, I have to give them a hard time and pretend I am hurt for mere amusement. We volley back and forth with sarcastic remarks but the conversation always ends in, “You’re a Vegetarian.”
I am different – I don’t have a disease. I haven’t ate meat since I was 6 years old. I am not a member of PETA and could care less if the guy I am with wants to have a steak for dinner. I’ll slice the steak and pick out the one with the best marbling. When people find out I am a vegetarian they gasp like I have just told them I cleaned out my closet and found Bin Laden. What is this world coming to – a vegetarian in
Do Indians say Holy Cow as an expression?
March 20, 2005
Closer to Sanity
March 17, 2005
Sharing a memory
He stood there on the plywood floor scanning the crowd, amused by the colors and pulsating enthusiasm of the crowd. He let the spectacle carry on a minute to long, knowing he would be reprimanded and called into the back office. The whistle blew, then the horn. Time to make his move, his palms sweat as he felt the flex of the gun in his hands searching for his target. Then, he found his victims. They were sitting together, distracted and disillusioned by their surroundings. The children were bouncing up and down staring starry eyed at the cotton candy trey. Mom was staring off in space planning her next hair style while Dad casually committed to memory the fetching brunette walking past them. He shifted his vehicle into gear and felt the electromotive force beneath him as he lunged toward his target. He closed in on them, gripped the gun, and pulled the trigger. He shot them. They were under a COB of silly string. He stood there with the perma grin on his mask emptying all the string in the gun. The children burst out laughing while Mom and Dad caught each others eyes. After the gun was emptied, he chuckled to himself then rode away. Dad took the string and wrapped it around his daughters head while she threw it on her little brother. Mom was busy watching the scene and committing it to memory while trying to clean her Brooks Brothers shirt. After the laughter and humor of the situation dyed down. Mom and Dad looked at each other stretching across the children and kissed.
I witnessed Clutch (Rockets mascot) create the scene last night at the Rockets Game (WE WON). I was a minimum of 50 ft. from the family and shared this memory with them. I have no doubt they will remember this for the rest of their lives. They have no idea, I shared it with them. I feel a little guilty for prying, almost like reading someone's blog. But we put it out there for conversations sake. To share memories, to remember the pivotal times in our lives and the inconsequential ones.
I have a memory from a basketball game when I was just a kid attending a Harlem Globetrotters game. Curly picked me - ME - out of the crowd and twirled a basketball on my finger. I remember it, so do my mom and dad.
Happy St. Patricks Day!
March 16, 2005
Clearly, I am destined to die before finding true, lasting, meaningful love. Is it possible I could at least have lasting, meaningful sex before I die?
That's Just TodayLast night, I was on top of the world. I thought to myself: I'm exactly the person I wanted to be when I was growing up. I am a sexy, single girl with a Sex and the City lifestyle (minus all the shoes, llingerie, and money. But, I do have girlfriends who have time to brunch with me).
March 15, 2005
I don't want to be a Drama Mamma
He said: "Hello - can you here me? What if I stay?"
Me: "Um," slowly the words crawl out of my mouth like a worm trying to work it's way up from the dirt - either way - it's still a worm with dirt on it. (eeeewww) "That's nice, I am glad you have made a positive decision and can move forward. Houston is a great city.
Him: "Would you like to have coffee sometime?"
Me: "You don't drink coffee and I gave it up for Lent, perhaps in a few weeks." By this time I just want to get off the phone and finish by saying, "Work is crazy right now, my boss has me working harder than an ugly stripper. Can I give you a call after things settle down?"
Him: There's a pause, he knows I won't call him, "Okay, and it's good to hear from you"
Me: "You too, take care."
After I hang up the phone, I am okay. I breathe a sigh of relief then laugh at what a complete dork I am. An UGLY STRIPPER - From now on no mixing cabbage patch kids with good and plenty's. That snack sounds like something Michael Jackson would have at Never Never Land -now I've done it
Do you remember when you were a kid and did something bad? Like talk during class? The teacher would make you write 500x "I will not talk in class"? I still talk in class and crack jokes to those sitting next to me in meetings, but I feel as though I should write 500x I will not talk about "him" anymore. It's done - but strangely it still amuses me. This is when I suddenly realize that I have moved on. Can you see the sky opening up and hear the cheesy symphony music is playing in the background?
March 13, 2005
Rusty China Doll
What's really on my mind is Friday night Shad (broke my heart) sends me a text message and asks, "If you were a hot dog and were really hungry would you eat yourself"
I replied, "If I was a gay man yes, If you count a dog's tail as a leg - how many legs does the dog have?" It went back and forth like this for a while and then he tells me he is not moving and is going to embrace Houston. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I am okay with this, but of course I was already drinking martini's at a neighbors. Then home to get ready to meet up with a bunch of pals. I handled the situation like a mature adult (sarcasm) and got drunk . . . to make the night even stranger - I ran into the guy I was on a date with several months ago who kissed my best friend during the course of the date. He had the gall to say, "I really liked you, I was drunk - can I call you?" I laughed.
I have to go get ready to go to my nieces b-day party - Happy birthday Megan (Nutmeg)!