Sassy Suspect

The misadventures of a single gal trying to find the balance and humor in every day life.

May 15, 2005

Table dance

Please update i have moved here
”Sometimes your independent to a fault.” She told me not meaning it as the compliment I took it as. I like to do things on my own and have a problem asking for help. I’m not a soldier wounded in battle who needs others to lean on. I don’t do victim. It’s weak and causes people to look at you as though you need help. HELP! Sometimes it’s a person’s weakness that endears you to them. Once their fixed they aren’'t as likeable. I’m full of dysfunctions and weaknesses. I don’t wear them on my sleeve like a badge of honor. They are the black tape on my arm like a platoon remembering a fallen hero. Dramatic, but not tragic.

We all maneuver our way through the dark looking for the same basic necessities in life. Food, water, clothing, shelter, love and companionship. Each of us unique in our very own way. I love the ME that I am and despise the unglued obsessive needy me I become in relationships. Minutes turn into hours as I try to answer all of the unanswered questions. Wondering when and if he will call or ask to see me. Dashing for my phone after a brief recess when it is not tucked safely in my pocket looking for missed calls. The incessant emails shared between my girlfriends and I hypothesizing his next move. I become unglued and vulnerable. I despise being vulnerable I would rather be single free to be a tourist in my own city than sitting at home waiting and wondering when he’s going to call.

The needy codependent gal is only satiated by him

This is why I will sabotage a relationship. I will flee from a relationship scared of losing the ME and becoming an US faster than the speed of light. You’'ll blink and I’'ll be gone wondering what happened and where things went wrong. At the first hint of rejection I will be lacing up my emotional self ready to sprint away. By the time you notice I am gone I have lapped you twice. It’s a lot easier to wave the white flag and throw a left hook in defense, my weapon of fear.

I really like you
Don’t tell me that
Why? I do
I’ll run, it’s what I do. Show me don’t’ tell me

File under Introspection


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